When God says "No"

It's funny really how often we (okay, maybe just I) think that we're in control of the future. We spend so much time planning and thinking about how things are going to play out. This and that is going to happen at this specific time and it's going to happen this way. That's how I spent the last two months of pregnancy. I was certain that this baby was going to come early. I was certain that my water would break at home and I would know for sure that it was "time". Well, surprise, surprise, it didn't go as I had planned. It never really does, and in the end I'm always thankful for that.

Four days past my due date, the contractions started. At least I was pretty sure they were contractions, I was never really sure. From 2:30 am I was wide awake, and wondering if this could be the day we finally got to meet our precious daughter! Finally around 10:30am we decided that it was probably wise to go to the hospital just to get checked out and make sure everything was going okay. I was fairly disappointed, because you know my water hadn't broken yet like it was supposed too. This baby obviously wasn't agreeing with my plan and how I thought things were supposed progress. After a hour long drive to the hospital we finally got to the maternity ward where  we were placed in an observation room and hooked up to machines. Babies heart beat was doing wonderfully, but contractions were kind of all over the place. After three hours of lying in that room we were finally admitted. That place was buzzing. Women left, right, and centre were giving birth! Nurses were running all over the place, delivery carts were being sent down the hallway and babies were crying. Our room however, was calm. Not much was happening, other than the hunger pains in my husbands stomach. Different nurses were coming and going into our room as everyone was being shuffled around. For a moment it felt like time was standing still for us. So we walked, and walked and walked. Still, not very much progression and still no water breaking. After about five hours I finally caved and asked for an epidural. The talk around "town" was that this was probably my last chance for the night. I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to finally feel a little bit comfortable, as far as I was concerned, we were going to be here for a while. Trying to stay still for that procedure as I breathed through contractions was probably one of the hardest things i've ever had to do up until that moment. I'm fairly certain the anesthesioligst was very annoyed with me. "Ma'am, you have to stay still." he said over and over again. I was trying, I really, really was. Finally, it was over. I was checked a few more times during the evening and still nothing had really moved forward. Things had started to calm down a little on the rest of the ward, and it began to get dark outside. Our room was quiet as my husband grabbed some shut eye. The decision was finally made that I should probably go on oxytocin to make the contractions a little stronger. Babies head wasn't moving, and my water still hand't broken. After about 9 hours of being in the hospital we finally saw a doctor. She checked to see how far along I was, and in the process got a little concerned that the head still wasn't where it needed to be. Something was possibly in the way, or we just couldn't feel the head yet because my water still hadn't broken. She didn't want to break my waters, but accidentally did. And at the point everything changed so quickly. "It's the cord" she said with a terrified look on her face. All of sudden the room was filled with more nurses than I could count, talk of making sure babies heart rate wasn't dropping was being voiced. The doctor kept her hand on the cord as she sat at the end of my bed and assured me that everything was going to be ok, but they needed to do an emergeny c-section, as soon as possible. Fear filled my heart as Michael made his way to the side of my bed and held my hand. Babies heart beat would drop every once in a  while and the doctor told the nurses that they needed to let the NICU know so they could be prepared. Before I knew it Michael was being passed scrubs and I was being whisked down the hallway on the bed. The pain was unbearable, and the fear was overwhelming. When we got to the OR the quick decision was made that I needed to be put under and they needed to get that baby out as soon as possible. Michael was no longer allowed to be present, he kissed me, told me he loved me and that he was praying then he disappeared. I had to do this without him, and that scared me. I got moved to the operating table, and then all of a sudden the doctor told me she had managed to move the cord back over babies head, and that I needed to start pushing. Wait? I thought I was getting a c-section? Nope, not anymore! I started pushing and within three minutes our beautiful girl was placed on my chest. I cried. That was the most emotional and terrifying ten minutes I've ever experienced. Within minutes Michael was back down in the OR, fully expecting to be an encouragement to me as I pushed. But no, she was here already! Keziah Ruth, 8.10 lbs and 22.5 inches long.

I had prayed and prayed and prayed during my whole pregnancy that my water would break at home. When it never did, I was actually very bitter towards God. Why wasn't he hearing me? Why wasn't he answering? He was answering me, he was saying no. The next morning the doctor came to see how we were doing and affectionally nicknamed our little girl "trouble". She told us that if she hadn't been there when my water broke, we would of lost Keziah. The pressure put on the cord would of caused her little body stress and would of caused her heart rate to drop drastically. It all happened exactly how it was supposed to. God knew that. His providence was already so evident in her little life. He said no to something I wanted so terribly because he saw the whole picture, I didn't. She's here, healthy, happy and two weeks old! Her birth is definitely something i'm not going to quickly forget about. It's a story i'm going to tell her again and again. It's a story that points to Gods goodness and care for his children. It's a story that proves that when God says no, it's for our good.

Vacations always seem to come and go so quickly! We just got back at the end of last week from a trip out to BC to visit my side of the family. First time we have all been together for Easter since Michael and I got married! ( I think) It was such a good trip, even though we often had a sleep deprived toddler that brought quite a bit of whining to the table. (This whiny stage is not my favorite, but we will endure!) Unfortunaley, my mom had to work some of the days that we were there but we made the most of all the time we had. A lot of outings, game playing, Netflix, park visits made this trip a good one. 

I'm experiencing travelling in a new way now that we have a toddler. Everything is so exciting to him and makes me enjoy what we do ten times more. Even if it is just finding a new slide to enjoy. He makes the little things exciting, and I like that. Watching him enjoy the airplane ride was probably my favorite. He was glued to the window the entire time and would clap whenever he saw something exciting. Those men waving their little orange wands? Exilerating! Needless to say, he loved the plane. 

We had a great trip, and I'm so thankful for family and that they live in such a beautiful place. Don't ever move ok? ;)

For a few months now I've really been wrestling through the purpose of this blog and why I choose to post the things that I do. At the beginning I desired this to be a place where I shared what I was learning, what was going on in our lives and hopefully some encouragement for those who choose to read. I felt as though this blog wasn't living up to it's purpose, and in a sense I got a little distracted. So, I have taken a little break from writing and was trying to figure out if this is something I should continue, and if it has a purpose. I really feel like I want this space to be a place where I share about my journey as a Mother, a Wife and as a Christian. A place where others can be encouraged and hopefully somewhere where people feel they can share their thoughts as well. I really do love writing, and I love seeing how this blog has connected me to so many people that I don't get to see on a regular basis.

With that being said, i've realized just how hard it is to maintain a hobby while a) being a full time mom to a toddler and b) being in the second trimester of pregnancy. Hello pregnancy brain and a tired momma! Confession: that first paragraph took me two days to write! And as I sit here all I can here is a tired little boy talking to himself as he fights his afternoon nap. Oh, nap, that's something I should do too. Anyways, all distractions aside, I really feel urged to continue on with this blog and would really appreciate feedback on the things I post! I would love to learn from other Moms, Wives and Believers too! As much as social media can be distracting and negative, i've learned that it can also be a very encouraging and uplifting tool if it's used in the right way!

God has really been teaching and convicting me lately on the topic of prayer. Specifically the role that prayer plays in my calling to be a Mother. It's been an interesting journey as we make our way through different trials, lessons and sleep deprivation. I've come to realize it's necessity in my life, often a life line itself to my day. As I'm sure most of you know, this whole being a parent thing and growing up…is hard. There's seasons of change and growth and along with that comes lessons that we often have to learn the hard way. We've entered toddler hood, which means discipline, whininess, teething, the growth of personality, stubbornness, and a whole lot of good things too. But as I entered this new season i've realized that I really can't do this on my own. In my own flesh, i'm a bad mom. I'm a selfish mom. I lack wisdom, patience, and direction. I need help. Daily, I need to be poured into by the Holy Spirit to help me be the mother that God has called me to be. I need Christ's patience, love and wisdom to become mine. I need direction when i'm at my whits end with a toddler who won't listen. I love my job, but in and of myself I just can't do it.

Prayer has become a vital part of my parenting. Praying for my child, for our family and for me. What God has been teaching me the most lately though, is just how important praying for your children is. I've always prayed for Canaan, but they've always been very simple, repetitive, not specific type of prayers. A part from praying for my son's salvation, which I believe to be of utmost importance, I realized that God cares about the little things too. He cares about the discipline struggles, the problem we've been having with early morning wake up calls, the teething pain, etc. He desires me to come before Him for every little thing, to ask for wisdom, direction and in a lot of cases for answers and solutions. If I can't pray about the little things now, the little things that will one day shape who my son becomes, how will I pray when big situations show their face? If I can't learn to petition on behalf of my son now, I don't think I ever will.

I've been reading a book called Set-a-part Motherhood by Leslie Ludy. I use that term reading lightly, I think i'm on chapter 6 and i've almost had the book for a year. Anyways, there is a chapter on this very specific topic: becoming a praying mom. She puts it very bluntly that prayer shouldn't be an after thought; it should be the very bedrock of our parenting. And I couldn't agree more.

"As mom's we are so eager for practical solutions to the every day challenges we face with our children  that we can forget about our biggest, most powerful parenting weapon: prayer. Prayer shouldn't be an afterthought; it should be the bedrock of our child rearing. Anything practical we do should be an outflow of our faithful, diligent prayers for each detail of our children's lives." - Set a Part Motherhood

Obviously the act of prayer in our relationship with God is not just necessary as a parent, but in everyday life no matter what stage your at. I've heard it said that our prayer life needs to be like breathing. Something we do effortlessly and naturally. It's an outpouring part of our relationship with Christ. It's constant communication with our Saviour. So, how is your prayer life? Is it something you value and set time aside for? Is it like breathing, where you just naturally find yourself in conversation with God throughout your day? Are there areas where you need to grow?

I see it as a tremendous privilege to be able to storm the gates of Heaven on behalf of my children. To wrestle in prayer for their well being, their salvation and their character. It's not something i've mastered yet, and I doubt I ever will, but I won't let that stop me. I challenge you Mothers, pray for your kids. No REALLY pray for your kids.

"Our goal in parenting is not ultimately for our kids to get a great education or to be great athletes or to find a great husband or get a great career. Our goal is for them to love a great God."- David Platt

Surprise!

I am absolutely thrilled to share some very exciting news with you all. This Fall we found out that we are expecting again! Baby Bergen number three is expected to arrive at the beginning of June! We are so excited, and can't wait to meet this little one!

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but between chasing a busy toddler around and napping when he does, I haven't found much time to sit down at the computer! This pregnancy is just flying by! 

It's been an interesting process between excitement, fear, worry and more excitement. After what happened last time we decided that we wouldn't plan anything this time, but just let God take care of the timing. When we found out we were pregnant I was ecstatic, but also very full of worry. Every pain, or weird feeling left me defeated and terrified. I really felt that if it was to end the same way the last pregnancy did, I wouldn't survive. Loss is hard, and I didn't want to walk that path again.

With every child, during pregnancy, I start a journal for them. I write down how i've been feeling, the growth and development they've been seeing each week, prayers for them and whats going on in the world at that moment. One morning I was writing to this new baby that had taken up residence inside me and as I poured out my heart and my fears to this little one (and to God) it suddenly dawned on me: We lost Bergen Baby number two on the very first day of June, and this baby is expected to arrive within the first few weeks of June. A month that I always thought would now be a difficult one to see, all of a sudden became a month of hope. A month that we awaited with eager expectation and joy. From brokenness and loss, all of sudden their was beauty. I cried as I felt God was very clearly saying to me: "I care about you Rebekah. I cared about that little one you lost. And I care about the new life that's growing inside of you."

God took something difficult and ugly, and made it radiant. From death he brought life. Just like he did for me and you when he died on the Cross and took our punishment. He took us from the death we lived in Sin and made us beautiful and alive in Him. This baby has been such a picture of Salvation, grace and mercy to me. He makes beautiful things.

It's still a difficult road sometimes, and somedays I still really struggle with the fear of the unknown and the possibility that we might not get to raise this child either. But God has been so good, and has proven to me time and time again (not that he had too) just how trustworthy He is.

Life is hard. We all walk difficult paths. But, God uses those difficult things in our lives to make something beautiful. Be encouraged today, know that what's going on in your life is for a purpose, and that in the end it will be beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a  "He has made everything beautiful in it's time.."

Right now were 17 weeks along! At 13 weeks we had our first Doctors appointment and got to hear this little ones heart beat! It was the most beautiful sound! I wasn't expecting to hear anything, with Canaan they couldn't find it this early. It was such a welcome surprise! Today, we had our second appointment and once again got to hear this little ones heart beat, nice and strong at 152 beats a minute! We're hoping my for our first ultrasound within the next few weeks, and maybe, just maybe we will find out the gender this time ;) So far, everything seems to be going well. If you think about us, pray for this baby and that everything would continue to go well. 

We're excited to meet this little one, right on time for a busy summer! ;)

The Grant Family

This October I got the chance to take some family pictures for the Grant family! It was such a fun opportunity and I really enjoyed the challenge! We were really hoping for some beautiful fall colours, and even though almost all the trees had already shed their beautiful leaves we managed to find a few that still had some brightly coloured leaves! We got to know the Grants through working at camp. Two summers in a  row now they've given up their summer vacation to come and serve at camp, this year doing it as a family. It's so wonderful to see people willing to serve, and this family is very willing to that!

It feels a little weird looking at these pictures and seeing the beautiful colours, then looking outside and seeing the snow falling. I'm a little behind ;) Here are some of my favourites from the shoot:

Happy Thanksgiving! We had a very relaxing, low key weekend. Spent time with family, some friends and most importantly one another. On Saturday we headed out to Meandher Creek Farms, its a pumpkin patch (sort of) with lots of neat activities for families and children. We saw lots of farm animals, played on pumpkins and in the hay fort, ate some yummy fall deserts and enjoyed the beautiful weather! It was busy there, but we will definitely be going back next year! It's quite the drive from where we live, but I highly recommend it!

We have so much to be thankful for, and even though it's cliche and its usually what everyone says, i'm very thankful for my family. I never want to take the time we get to spend together for granted. I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace and that he doesn't give up one me. I'm thankful for the ability to move and breathe and that we have a roof over our heads and food in our tummy's. And, i'm thankful for long weekends :)

"That will never happen to me"- we've all said it. We all believe it. And maybe that one thing you never thought would happen, hasn't happened. For me, it happened. 

Apparently it's infant loss month, something I never thought would affect me. It has, and it does. The farther I get from that sunny day in June that we said goodbye to our second child, the harder it's gets. 

Every month when we come to the realization that we're not pregnant, again, the harder it gets. The more real the loss becomes. The more I realize that we lost a person. A real, live, human being. My child. Our child. 

I thought it would get easier, but time moves on and I find it harder. There's a hole in my heart, a gap that's been left by a tiny little person that I'll never get to meet on this side of heaven.

No, I don't need a month to remember. I'll always remember. I'll always wonder who they would of been, who they would of become. 

But in the midst of waiting, trusting, even hurting, I have hope. We have hope. 

A hope that doesn't disappoint. Ever.