Hope and Heartache

It was mid May, late at night, and our hearts were full of anticipation. Before our very eyes that pink little cross showed up on the screen and our anticipation was confirmed: we were going to be parents again. We had talked about this for quite a few months. Working out when the perfect month would be to have a new baby. Working around a busy camp schedule, when time off would

be ideal and our first borns birthday, we finally decided to try. We were hoping for a winter/early spring baby. Baby Bergen number 2 was due mid January, 2016. 

We had it all planned out, unlike last time. This baby would come when we were ready for it. 

A list of names started to circulate in our minds, we were getting so excited to share our news with our families and closest friends. I admitdly was nervous about having a newborn baby and a toddler at the same time, but was so up for the challenge. I couldn't wait to be a family of four.

Then, on June 1st, everything changed. I woke up that morning feeling great and thinking about how I was going to tell my parents the next day. The day started out normal, but in an instant everything changed. Something happened that instantly made my heart drop. I knew something was wrong. A few minutes later we were in the car and on our way to the hospital. After blood tests, two ultrasounds and way to much time spent in a hospital it was confirmed: baby number two was gone. At only 6 weeks pregnant, we said goodbye. 

A miscarriage. A word that I hoped would never be added to my vocabulary. My heart was broken and yearned to know this little child that on this side of heaven I would never meet. In eight months we wouldn't be a family of four. 

But we planned it out so well. We had it down to the month and everything was supposed to go well. But as I was driving home from the grocery store today, with a sleeping nine month old in the back, I realized something. Although we planned this pregnancy, God had something different in mind. No matter how much we talk about it, plan it, and try to make it happen, we're not the ones in control. 

"My ways are not your ways. Neither are my thoughts your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

Today, I'm thankful to serve a God who's in control. Even though his plans don't always line up with the way I think it should be, he knows best. He comforts me when I'm hurting. He knows my heart, and heals it when it's broken. He gives good gifts. I'm thankful for the beautiful little blessing our Son is, and I pray that one day he will bless us again with more children.

There's no doubt in my mind that the little one inside me was infact a living being. It was a life, and I anticipate the day that we will meet again. 

Misscarriage is an awkward subject. It's a hard thing to walk through, and most people walk that journey alone. We don't walk up to people and out of nowhere announce: "oh, by the way we lost a baby." It's hard, and difficult to talk about.  But I think we need to talk about it. I know I need to talk about it. Almost every single person I've mentioned it to has walked the same journey. We have a lot more to offer each other when it comes to support then I think we realize. 

One in four women experience a misscarriage. That's a lot of women! A lot

Of women who aren't talking about it, and aren't supporting each other through one the hardest things they will ever experience. We've been given the body of Christ for a reason, let's use it. 

This journey has been a humbling one. A reminder that I am not the one in control. A reminder that we need each other and a reminder to be thankful for what I already have. God is good- in all circumstances.